There’s nothing quite like mowing the lawn one last time before winter. I get excited about stashing the mower in the back of the garage and dusting off the snow shovels. I was finishing the proverbial last mow of my little lawn and without warning my beloved mower shut off. No chugging, no black smoke, just silence.
I went to the shed to find just enough gas to finish it up. To no avail. I couldn’t run to the store, because my wife had the car. There I sat defeated looking at the half mowed lawn. God has branded that image onto my heart. I don’t want to finish like that. I don’t want to leave work right in front of me that God has set aside for me to do.
Embarrassingly, I almost burned out 18 months into ministry. Most people make it several years before getting crispy with burnout. Fortunately God let me see my futility quickly. Both my view of success and my role were confused in that season. One of the most heartbreaking things I have experienced is friends who were once pastors leaving the church outright or men walking out on their wife and kids. Staying healthy for the long haul doesn’t happen on accident. It’s a battle.
In his letter to Timothy, his “true son in the faith”, Paul writes aggressively about fighting for our relationship with God. In the book of 1 Timothy, perhaps the most personal of Paul’s letters, he uses phrases like “wage the good warfare” (1:18), “train yourself for godliness” (4:7), “toil and strive” (4:10).
We rarely address spiritual health as we train for ministry. It’s not sexy, but our own relationship with our creator, the health of our families and the spiritual gusto of our congregations may rest on this. Paul writes, “Persist in this, for by so doing you will save both yourself and your hearers” (4:16) Others are watching us, not for perfection, not even for a lack of sin, but for gritty godliness. I am convinced Spiritual health is the least talked about area of Christian leadership.
There is a largely unseen gap between personal holiness and public ministry. Jimmy Dodd uses the analogy of the front stage vs the back stage of our lives. Do these two stages match in your life, do they reconcile? There are two main areas that keep creating this terminal gap between front stage life and back stage life. I notice them in myself and seek to wage war against them. They are silent killers.
Confusing success and faithfulness. Our world educates us to chase success. Somewhere deep in our souls we believe it will make us feel significant and significance might just lead to happiness. People will comment on your performance, “great sermon”, “great thought”, “great job serving our city”. Rarely will you ever hear, “keep walking close with Jesus, pastor” or “keep crawling out of bed early to pray for your kids.” The most vital things to ministry are below the surface of the waters of life and ministry. We have sprinted after success instead of seeking faithfulness. Careful how you define success, because it will soon define you.
Confusing our role with God’s role. Role confusion is heaping expectations of church leaders today. Most times we do this to ourselves. We can’t bring people to Jesus, only He can. At the end of the day we can only do what God allows us to do. John 15:5 reminds us of our futility apart from Christ; “I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him , he it is that bears much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing.” I need to read this verse every day when I get out of bed.
As I look back at my near-burnout a few things stick out. It’s been helpful to give it an autopsy. I arrogantly believed God’s work depended on me gritting my teeth and working really hard. This was a very carnal grit, not spiritual grit that Paul challenges Timothy with. Not once during those 18 months did I utter the phrase, “God’s got their life under control even if I don’t.” I am grateful for this season and the futility I experienced. I don’t want to live out the ministry of Alan. I love the deep joy that comes in living out the ministry of Jesus.
Take comfort in this; God doesn’t need us, but He chooses to use us. This should cause us breathe deep and take off the heavily loaded backpack of weight and stress we’ve been lugging around. As my brother, J.R. says, “the tomb is empty, the pressure is off.” We need to live and lead from an empty tomb, not a full backpack.